Why Your Authentic Self isn't Hidden Inside a Russian Doll
You don't need five layers of therapy to be 'fixed'
There was a particular thrill in creaking open the first big doll to reveal another slightly smaller version inside.
I was fascinated with the Russian doll my neighbour gifted me.
There’s a curiosity about how tiny you can go when you pull apart the Matryoshka dolls until you get to the smallest model that can’t be pulled apart; this version has no join or cracks. It’s a tiny, perfect figure.
Clients often tell me that they’re looking for the real them, the person they are inside, the perfect version of themselves that’s hidden away under layers.
They have a shopping list of the things that they need to ‘fix’ to be happy.
They’re surprised when I tell them that there’s nothing to fix. And that the version they’re showing up as right now is perfect.
I know how they feel. I spent years trying to fix myself. I used to look around at the people in the room at the many NLP, TFT, and Hypnotherapy trainings I attended and notice that, whether they were coaches or wanted to coach, they, like me, were all trying to fix themselves.
It’s no surprise. Most therapy models tell us that we have to dig deep to find ourselves, heal our inner child or go through layers of pain to be happy and whole. And just like the classic set of Russian dolls, five seems to be the magic number for the layers, circles, and levels of neurosis you’re told you need to strip away.
Russian Doll Therapy
The idea comes from a book called The Big Leap by PhD psychologist Gay Hendricks. He used the metaphor of "Russian dolls to dig deep to find your true self.”
The idea is that each of the five dolls represents a time in your life leading back to your inner child.
The problem with this is that you can only remember you back then through your eyes now. If you’re in a bad place mentally, you may only have bad memories, but your memory is erratic and unstable.
Studies report how the amygdala area of your brain doesn’t know if a threat was in the past or is happening now, so every time you activate a memory, it feels real.
But the past isn’t the present. The present is this moment now, so look around at what is happening at this moment.
You might be encouraged to go back and hug your inner child and to reassure the young you back then that everything will be ok.
Although I’m not convinced my inner child wore a headscarf and Russian coat.
Five Gestalt Layers
I’m not talking about shouting at empty chairs or hitting cushions but the layers that Gestalt founder Fritz Perls developed.
This idea is that these layers are like the layers of an onion. I went to see a Gestalt Therapist long before I thought of becoming a coach, and for a therapy that is about being in the present, the therapist seemed to spend a long time digging into my past and doing her best to make me cry.
Now, I cry at adverts with cute animals, so it’s not difficult to set me off, but I don’t particularly appreciate being manipulated into tears. Unless you’re a cute animal.
The first layer is the phony. This is the fake and inauthentic ways people act to hide their true feelings.
Then there is the phobic. This is where people resist and deny their authentic selves.
The impasse is the next layer. This is where you feel empty and stuck and where you might manipulate the environment and people around you rather than deal with problems.
Then, there is the Implosive layer. This is when you allow yourself to come into contact with feelings you don’t like and may have pushed inward to keep these feelings out of conscious awareness.
The last layer is explosive. This occurs when the previous layers have been worked through.
But, for me, just like an onion, these layers stink.
I could bore you to death with more versions of the same model. Every day, therapists and counsellors come up with new versions of the same flawed model.
It doesn’t matter if the levels are called shitty or sparkling — they’re all made up.
The Five Stages of Grief
These stages were developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross over 30 years ago and came about after she had listened and observed those dying of terminal illness. These stages of grief have become the standard by which all grief is measured.
But this indicates there is a right way to grieve, and if you don’t go through all the stages correctly, you’re doing it wrong.
I know from my experience that when my dad died, the grief I experienced wasn’t less or more than when my mum died four years later, but it was different. That’s because I was different.
There can’t be a wrong way to grieve, and the way someone grieves is personal and dependent on who they are at the time and their thoughts about the experience.
Elisabeth Kubler Ross wrote, in her later years, that she regretted writing these stages as people considered them universal and true. She had identified the shared experiences that she observed to help people to normalise their experiences. These stages were meant to be optional.
But these stages are often quoted as necessary, and people are told they must go through each level before moving on to the next.
Final Thoughts
These examples indicate how willingly people accept someone else’s opinion of what is good for them and how they should act.
I get the idea is to take the client through pain levels before catharsis, but you can have relief and release emotion in a much kinder and more straightforward way by seeing what’s causing the pain. When you understand how all experience is generated via thought, you don’t need to strip away layers of pain; just let go of the layers of thought.
And you don’t need to remember the pain to release it. You’d already let it go before you dredged it up again. Some therapists believe if you aren’t suffering, you’re repressing, but that isn’t true. Research confirms you can erase painful memories by letting them go and not meditating on them.
The less you get on the same bus down the same neural pathway, the less the memory will poke you.
Experts agree that if you direct your attention elsewhere and substitute a different memory, you won’t suffer the same pain. So feel free to lead your thoughts to a happier memory.
You aren’t a Russian doll. The real you isn’t hidden under therapeutic layers that need uncovering, just layers of thought you can dissolve like sugar in hot water.